reality....? I can do without it, for now

*note to self: when pouring from the depths of your soul, remember to constantly save your thoughts while typing to avoid the reflexive urge to fling your laptop against the wall.*

I need a vacation from myself... the kind where I press pause on the time-space continuum that is my life while the essence of my being is allowed to roam about freely. Either I figure out a way to do that really soon, or I'll have a mental breakdown. This is not me being melodramatic for your entertainment; yet, are you not entertained??! (a la Maximus to the mob after savoring his first bloody rampage in the arena)

I have never been good with 'stress'. Many people claim to thrive under it and some attribute their best performance to it. These are the ones I despised in undergrad as they juggled overloaded course schedules, student leadership posts, volunteer work and Greek life all while making the Dean's List and being showered with other honors. I constantly struggled just to keep up and it made me realize something very important about myself: high-grade performance under [self-inflicted] pressure is not my modus operandi. Does admitting that to the world and to myself in 2007 make me lazy? unaccomplished? a loser? To some, perhaps; but I proclaim it without shame. I know what works and doesn't work for me and have accepted it, somewhat. What I can't seem to grasp is why I keep putting myself in these types of situations. Is there some subliminal desire to prove that I can be a superwoman?

I said all that to say that I am having a really hard semester. Granted, it's the second-to-my-last before earning a Master's degree (and ultimately signaling the end of my formal quest for education... forever. Yeah, I know I said that when I finished college, but I really mean it this time!) My new job is notably more 'mentally engaging' than the last one so it's like I'm running on all cognitive engines without rest. Plus, I'm going through some serious emotional/spiritual issues as of late, I suspect there's a medical condition looming but I'm trying to 'ignore' it until I'm on break from classes, and my mom is catching hell on the job with small-minded co-workers. It sucks that I can't help her as much as I'd like to because I'm caught up in my own world of crap. I'm surprised I haven't developed a clinical psychological condition yet. "Yeah, yeah, quit whining and suck it up!" you say. And you would be right, because there are those who have it a lot worse than I do. But this blog isn't about them so that's that! I really feel like just throwing my hands up and saying "To hell with everything... I quit!", but for some reason I have never been able to consciously shirk responsibility. Honestly, I have been driven to the edge of my willpower's cliffs--but never over. And I don't know why. At the same time, the constant pressure to stay on track is nothing short of maddening.

Anyway for those of you who pray, please speak to God on my behalf because even He hasn't been hearing much from me lately. I feel like He's been backing me into corners that have resulted in some bad spiritual decisions on my part--even if I know better, that's not the point. But I'ma need some supernatural intervention in one particular area because He knows that if a certain situation presents itself, I have a feeling that I might do something very un-Christian and most likely regret it for the rest of my life. So yeah... send up the prayers, people! (Thanks in advance)